"Fantasy" Football

Joe and I were watching the Patriots game today and we decided that we wanted to create a “fantasy” football team. The rules of the league clearly state that there is no magic. The term magic is loosely defined to encourage debate. Anything else goes in terms of who you pick for your team. Next we decided to draft players for the positions. This is what we came up with.

OFFENSE:
Quarter Back – Legolus
His accuracy is uncanny and his dexterity will make him a tough QB to sack. He also has good leadership skills so we are comfortable with him running the offense. LOOK THOSE DETERMINED EYES


Running Backs – The Flash, Sonic the Hedgehog
Both are reeeeeeeeallly fast. Sonic can also tumble through defenders with his patented spin move. His only drawback is that he may be a tad undersized. Mad ankles will be broken by The Flash. Mad ankles.


Fullback – Falcor the Luck Dragon from the NeverEnding Story
Running backs can either ride him to gain yardage or he can take the ball himself. Advantages are that he can fly and that he unintentionally terrifies small children (at least I was scared at age 4) This is what Falcor looks like when blocking for the running back:

Wide Receivers – Hussein Bolt, Spider Man, Wes Welker
This is the most mortal position on the team but still strong. Hussein Bolt is the fastest human on the planet so he deserves a spot. After all, he posted 9.58-second world record 100 meter, which is about the size of a football field. The primary target is Spiderman who has the ability to reel the ball in anywhere on the field no matter where the ball was thrown. He has sticky fingers so he can hang on to the ball in all conditions. Wes Welker is cool.


Offensive Linemen – Hagrid, Sumo Wrestlers, Bulbasaur, Michael Richards
THE BIG GUYS! They got to protect the quarterback. Hagrid can do just this as he is beefy and did a great job looking out for Harry all those years at Hogwarts. Sumos have great balance and weigh so much! Good luck getting past あけぼの or ちょのふじ！SO DES NE!! Bulbasaur is tough as nails and will put plants all over the field like booby traps. Michael Richards is the racist guy who played Kramer on Seinfield and is on the team solely for the word play on “Offensive Linemen.”




DEFENSE:

Cornerbacks – Velociraptors
They are fast, fierce and can eat your wide receivers.


Safety – He-man, Optimus Prime
They can put the big hit on opponents down-field and have a good balance of speed and power. I laughed at the coincidence of the commentator of today’s Patriot’s game saying that safety Jarrod Mayo’s hit was like getting hit by a Mack truck…


Line Backers – Chewbacca, Bowser, Donkey Kong on Mario’s Mushrooms
Now we don’t know what the policies regarding performance-enhancing substances are, but we will have DK on Mario’s mass increasing mushrooms rampaging on opposing halfbacks until they explicitly ban this.


Defensive Linemen – Hulk, Hercules, Taz from Looney Toons
The big strong guys! Taz has an incredible spin move to get to the quarter back (it far surpasses Dwight Freeney’s). Hercules has fallen mythical monsters so we figure QBs should be no problem. Hulk is self-explanatory.



Kicker – Tony Danza
Joe Explains:

“So one time I saw this made-for-TV-movie with Tony Danza playing a garbage man. And at the end of rough day of hauling trash, he is at the dump and starts kicking a bunch of water cooler tanks really, really far into the distance. And it so happens that some NFL drafter is hanging out at the dump and asks him to try out for the team. He goes on to be a great field goal kicker and just dominates the other teams. Tony Danza is unstoppable. The movie was called “the garbage-picking-field goal- kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon”

COACHING STAFF

Head Coach – Professor X
Only he can control the strong personalities on this team. He has experience handling groups of remarkably gifted individuals. He also knows what play the other team is going to call even before they do thanks to his telekinetic abilities. He can also influence the decisions of referees through pity (as he has no use of his legs and is in a wheelchair). He is the glue that holds the ship together, perhaps the greatest coach of all time.

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Offensive Coordinator – George Washington

He lead the charge at the battle of Trenton and now he leads a stacked offense! What better-suited coach could there be?

Defensive Coordinator(s) –

We couldn’t decide so we have three people sharing responsibilities on the defensive side of the ball.

First is Johnny Cochran. We figure if he could defend OJ successfully then he can do pretty much anything involving defense.

Second is the SuperMonkey from Bloon’s tower defense. He is amazing at stopping incoming balloons. The problem is that he is really expensive and you need like 5,000 points to buy him. Good thing we have a high payroll on this fantasy team!

The third coordinator is Freudian Psychological Defense Mechanisms.

BENCH AND SPECIAL TEAMS:
These are people who we wanted but couldn’t quite fit in to our schemes
Sub Zero – brought in to “ice” opposing kickers
Moses – to part the defense when we are having trouble finding lanes to run the ball
The BFG
Jesus
A Moose
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Matilda

THE PLAYS!

Here are some highlights from our playbooks:

OFFENSE:


In this play Falcor takes the ball and flies over the helpless defenders to the endzone! The variation is the running back hops on to him and surfs him to the score. WOOT!


This play features receivers lining up in trips. Spiderman runs an out rout and Bolt runs a flag in route. Then bolt shockingly stops and tosses the ball high into the air. Spiderman then webs the ball in towards him for the TD!!!

DEFENSE:

On a variation of the Safety blitz, optimus prime throws He-man over the offensive line directly into the quarterback to pick up the sack. BOO YA!


The cornerbacks (velociraptors) must not be fed before the game (for two days at least). Then, when they are lined up on scrimmage and the ball is snapped they will immediately devour the opposing wide receivers. Make sure you train them well. YOu can probably only run this play once given that the raptors will get full.


THAT IS ALL! I DARE YOU TO MAKE A BETTER TEAM!